Lessons of a College Freshman

Whether you are in college or not, I think it is safe to say that due to all the whiny Facebook posts, tweets, and encouraging memes with Ryan Gosling's face on it we are all aware that this week is the dreaded finals week for most students. As terrible as finals week truly is, joy comes when that last test is turned in and students can wipe their brow with relief. It really is a beautiful moment!

I finished my last exam today and said Adios to my first semester of college in Gainesville. As wonderful as it is to know that I don't have to wake up for a while for 9am lectures or drive myself crazy over ridiculous biology projects, I have found myself struggling with a real sense of dissatisfaction ever since I turned in my last exam this morning. 

It's safe to say that when I moved to Gainesville this past August, I thought my life was in shambles. I didn't necessarily want to be moving away from my family, I had no clue what God was doing with me, I was juggling several unhealthy relationships, and I was just tip-toeing around feeling lost in my own life. I remember at some point during my first week here thinking to myself  "This is normal, by the end of the semester you'll have this all figured out with so many new friends and a fresh outlook on life!" Boy, was I naive and wrong! 

Over the next few weeks my grandmother would pass away, best friends would walk out on me, I would question God, and I would spend several days filled with hours of self-pity. I would become attached to a guy who sat next to me in lectures, go on too many trips to Target, buy too many "grande caffe mocha frappachinos," eat the most fast food I've ever eaten in my life, and my biggest priority each day would become calling my parents even if it was just for them to fill me with confidence and hope.

It's so cliche but true that you learn the most important lessons outside of the classroom. You learn that you can't go grocery shopping on an empty stomach. You learn that you should never go to Target without a list after you've had a bad day. You learn that people actually do not care about your personal struggles, no matter how many hours you've spent listening to their problems. You learn that a Brita filter can bring a great deal of happiness to your life. You learn that no matter how many promises your "friends" make, they will still wind up leaving while never considering your feelings. You learn that cooking is the greatest skill a college student could obtain. You learn that no matter how angry you think you are at the person who was once your best friend, you'll still be willing to do anything for them. You'll learn to celebrate the small victories and not cry over...well, anything if you're like me. 

I'm only done with my first semester and I feel like I've literally aged five years! But as much as you learn and as much as you grow up, some things just take time. After nearly nineteen years on this earth, you would think I wouldn't get attached to a random boy in a class that I know will be over in a few months just because he sat next to me and made me laugh at his jokes. You'd think I'd be able to pick out an outfit without sending a picture to my mother to get her opinion or at least go a week without a nap. You would think that I would have the slightest clue as to what career I want to pursue. But no, none of that is figured out and I continue to make those mistakes. 

In fact, I'm ending this semester much like how I began this semester. I still hate living hours away from my parents in a town where you never see the stars. I'm still wondering through life trying to find myself and where I belong. I know that God has a great purpose for me but I'm still not quite sure what that is. I've lost more friends than I've gained this semester. But I think that's the beauty in college. We're not expected to have it all together. I'm beyond blessed to have the opportunity to go to school to further my education, an opportunity in which a lot of people are denied in life. I'm blessed to know that God specifically placed me in Gainesville, FL for the time being and give me moments of clarity with random people (who I may or may not have become attached to during my biology class) in order to remind me of how He specifically writes our stories. I'm blessed with the strength He has given me to get through these past few months. I AM BLESSED, and you are too! 

So don't worry that you don't have it all figured out or if you're not exactly where you thought you would be or if you feel lonely! Throw yourself a five minute pity party and then remember how big YOU are blessed.

peace & blessings, 

Ashley

Valleys and Mountain Tops

Last night I posed a question on twitter: "Are you scared of leading a small life or are you terrified of how large of a life you could lead?" Now think carefully before you answer...

Through the world's eyes we have to make millions of dollars each year, be featured on the front page of People magazine, and be a household name to be considered "successful." As children, we all dream to be successful. We move to college to get an education so that we will become successful. We endure awful internships with even worse pay in order to get one step closer to success. We go through our entire lives chasing after this myth of success. But what if our vision of success is completely distorted?

While visiting with a friend the other day, we were discussing what we could possibly do in the future and what we hope turn into careers. After throwing around some silly thoughts with a few serious possibilities, my friend says, "Ashley, I could be the President of Florida Farm Bureau and you could be my assistant!" Assistant?! I could be your assistant?? The little piece of me that deep down wants women to rule the world one day was a little more than slightly offended. I mean, I'm flattered that you would employ me, but what if I dream to be the Farm Bureau President and I declared my friend the assistant? In that moment, I was scared that I would lead a small life.

Then while talking to another friend, the world's view of mountaintops were discussed... Does your view of mountain tops look like the front page of People magazine, President of Farm Bureau, or championships- much like the world's view? Or does your mountaintops look like happiness, a healthy family, and God using you for His glory? Tough decision, huh? This friend reminded me that God brings success in many different ways in various shapes and colors. In that moment, I was terrified of how large of a life I could lead.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." These words from Coach Carter have always moved me with the truth that it speaks. The fear of how great we could become often keeps us mediocre in our minds. We are afraid that a raising a happy family in a comfortable house isn't "success" to the world so we allow negative feelings to seep in. We are even more afraid that we will fail at greatness or those close to us won't understand our "large" life so we run the opposite direction. We allow both of these fears to dictate our lives and determine our paths until we get caught in the middle of what we want and what we are capable of so we achieve neither.

We are all created with great purpose and built to be our own kind of successful. You will have moments in the valley and you will have moments on the mountain tops. Appreciate both of these times because each will help develop you. Choose your view of success and the life that you desire, then chase after it with every bit of your being. Remember, "when you want to succeed as much as you want to breathe, that is when you will be successful." More importantly, remember to trust in The Lord with your path to "success."

Now, are you scared of leading a small life or are you terrified of how large of a life you could lead?

God Bless!

What and Who

"A lady should be two things- what and who she wants." 

Whaaaat? You mean I can be what AND who I want?! Sure, we all heard our parents tell us when we were children that we can grow up to be anything in the world. But as we grow older, we find that it's not always that easy. 

The world we live in often sets limitations. Whether it's our GPA, our financial status, our bra size, or how many words we can type a minute, we find that the world doesn't allow us to be ANYTHING we want. We find ourselves tailoring our dreams to fit the world.. Now how sad is that? We tailor our dreams to fit the world. When we allow the world to change us, we give up the ability to change the world. And we do this every single day. 

I am in an obvious struggle of deciding what I want to be. I have always known who I want to be but now I have to bring the two together in a way that WILL allow me to change the world. I often run into a block though. I run into a block where the world tries to tell me who I am and who I'm not and what I should be.

I'm too independent. I'm not strong enough. I'm too strong-willed. I'm bossy. I'm too weak-hearted. I'm too girly. I'm not pretty enough. 

Now don't these seem a bit contrary? Thankfully, I'm one of the lucky ones who is comfortable with the person I am. I like to handle my own challenges but I appreciate caring people. I know what I want and I know how to achieve what I want, so I go after it. Moments bring me to tears often but I rarely show my tears. I will say what I feel, but with charm. I like to fix my hair and wear my jewelry, but I will never try to be the world's vision of "pretty." 

I know who I am but how is it that this world will try to tell me the opposite? How can the people around us tell us who we are supposed to be and why we're not enough? And most importantly, why do we allow it? 

Opposition to who I am never bothered me until this year when people who I considered close to me began to question who I am. This made me even question myself! What if after 18 years, I'm a complete stranger to myself? 

Fortunately, I snapped out of that real quick! I know who I am and I will be the one to tell the world! I challenge YOU to tell the world your own story, regardless of what the "world" thinks. 

God fearfully and wonderfully created each one of us. He creates no flaws, even if we see flaws within ourselves. He creates quirks and bundles of uniqueness, but no flaws. He put us on this earth to be great, to reflect His love, and to not be changed by this world but yet change the world. 

So decide your purpose and attack it with all your might! Decide who you are and who you hope to be, and journey on! Our mommies and daddies were right- we really can be anything we want to be. Don't allow any limitation or difference or set back tailor your dream! 

One day I'm going to figure out my place in this big ole world. I'm determined to make a difference, even if I don't yet know how. All the people who told me I was "too this" or "not enough that" will push me to prove them wrong. Why can't you say the same thing? YOU will make a difference! YOU will find your way! Now go be what and who you'd like to be! 

God bless!

Time To Transition

Question: Is it possible to have a mid-life crisis at the ripe ol' age of eighteen? Answer: Yes, because I am completely convinced that I am currently experiencing one.

Okay, maybe not. But we all experience transitions. Whether it is graduating high school, starting a new job, moving to college, saying good-bye to a relationship, or maybe just getting used to a bad haircut, transition can be painful. We learn from pain though, right? God allows us to hit rock bottom so that we learn that He is the rock at the bottom.

This whole graduating high school, moving to college transition is about to kick my tail, personally. While I know that I am learning a great deal about myself, I am growing spiritually and emotionally, and that God has a plan for me. I also know that I have never experienced more sleepless nights, more tears, and more goodbyes this year than I ever have in my life.

I have wanted to figure out who I am and what my purpose is on this Earth for quite some time. I have experienced many sleepless nights where I have cried out to God asking Him to give me strength, direct my path, to fulfill my dreams, and to use me in a great way. Well, it turns out that you don't necessarily get all your prayers answered at once, nor exactly how you imagined..

Through those sleepless nights, I experienced wins and losses. God reveled pieces of His plan, slowly but surely. He removed people from my life and He placed people in my life. He brought me through gut-wrenching moments and He dried my tears. But I did ask for strength, didn't I? He closed numerous doors that I never expected and He left cracks in windows that He made me work for. But I asked Him to direct my path, didn't I?

So now it remains to fulfill my dreams and to use me in a great way. Recently, God has showed me that I must first decide what my dreams even are before He can fulfill them. I am diving into this great big world to discover who I am and what I want. Through all of this, I have faith that He is using me. I certainly don't see it now. But I know that He is using all of us! None of us were created as a mistake or wasted space. He has had a divine plan in store for each and every one of us since before Day 1, it just takes a little bit of time. Remember that He does not call the qualified, yet qualifies the called. The pain of all these transitions is Christ qualifying us!

What transition are you experiencing right now? What prayer have you poured out to Christ that you think He is neglecting, when really He is fulfilling in a crazy and unexpected way? Don't give up on Him! He is still in the miracle-making business and He loves you and I so dearly. Recently, I have asked God to heal my heart- to take away my anger, my resentment, and all the hate I have been bottling inside. He has helped me to forgive and to move on and even learn. He can help you too, if you only ask.

So don't worry, you haven't quite hit your mid-life crisis yet. But it is time to transition through whatever phase you are facing right now and that's something that I know you can do!

God bless!

To My Future Husband

Several times a week I start a journal entry with the phrase "To My Future Husband." A bit silly, I know, but let me explain. 

Throughout a girl's life, she is always going to have a bond with her future husband whether she admits it or not. As a young girl, we fantasize over our Prince Charming (aka our hopeful hubby). As teenagers and up until our wedding day, we are in pursuit of our future husband. After the big day, it's "'til death do us part"...in most cases. 

Well when it comes to all things future husband, I am such a typical girl. Obviously. I've always dreamed about the qualities that I hope my future husband possesses- heir to a nice cattle ranch, height, sanity, an unfathomable love for me and more especially Christ! But seriously. He has to want to own a farm with me. He must want children and will allow me to name them. And above all, he has to undeniably put Christ first above everything. I know without a shadow of a doubt he will be all these things and more. And I will wait on God's perfect time to send me the man of my dreams. 

Right around middle school, while all the other girls were getting their first boyfriends, I decided that if I couldn't see myself marrying a boy I wasn't going to date the boy. At the time, I figured I'd just be saving myself some heartbreak. As I grew older, I was even more thankful for that decision. Keeping true to my decision has not always been easy with worldly temptations and a pressure that girls are under to always have a boyfriend through their high school years. However, it did allow me to practice faithfulness to my future husband from an early age. Over the years and as I've grown closer to Christ, He has better prepared me for the man of my dreams without any distractions. 

Now don't get me wrong. It's not like I've never talked to a boy or participated in innocent flirting. I've even allowed myself to get a little more emotionally involved than I'd like to admit. But Christ and His promise of a wonderful husband always stayed in the fore front of my mind. As a matter of fact, as I'm quickly approaching my twenties, I can proclaim that I have never been in a serious relationship. That's not an easy fete in this day and age. 

While I've definitely been lonely at times and very lonely at other times, I still stand firm on the decision I made so many years ago. Journaling to my future husband helps me stay close to him. When something big happens in my life or I'm feeling a little blue, I'll write to him- sometimes a few sentences, maybe a few pages. I'll share my prayers for him in my journal. I'll tell him about my worries, my fears, my doubts, my hopes, and my dreams. 

All of you ladies out there, I encourage you to keep your future husband in mind as you move forward in your dating world. Pray for him! Work on preparing and bettering yourself. Use this season of singleness to cling to Christ and strengthen, or even develop, your relationship with God. Even you gentlemen who may be reading this, how important is your future wife to you already? I know that I need my future husband to have a great deal of beautiful love in his heart. (And he will.) Develop the love in your heart now for your future wife, even if you haven't met her yet. God will prepare so much in each of us and I have so much faith that God will give us exactly what we NEED in our future spouse. You don't have to journal to her for you to practice faithfulness to her. Pray for her as well! Prepare your self! Become the gentleman and leader to The Lord that she will need! 

God has such a great plan and wants us to share our love in ten fold. Read the book of Corinthians while praying for your future spouse and it will surely put the right love in your heart. 

God bless!

Welcome!

Hello pretty blog readers,

Some of you may know about my other blog, farmyourfuture.blogspot.com, but as I recently graduated high school and I look forward to starting college soon I figured it was time for a new, fresh blog. I am, by no means, the expert-blogger-extraordinaire. I enjoy writing and blogging has been a great form of therapy for me lately. I hope that through this blog I can share with you my opinions on the things I love most, my latest inspirations, the adventures of college life, and how The Lord is working in my life.  

There are a few facts, however, that you should first know about me... I live each day through the grace of my Savior and my Lord for I have been saved. We are the Lucky Ones and I am a Daughter of Christ. God has blessed me with a beautiful family, including two supportive parents who are living examples of everlasting true love and an older sister who has always been more like a twin. My father has been my toughest critic, my first love, my patient speech coach (we'll get to that in a bit), and the one who instilled a passion for agriculture deep in my soul. My mother is the one who has always cheered me on, inspires me to be a strong, southern, Proverbs 31 woman, and thankfully taught me to "tease, tease, tease" my hair. 

My obvious passion, besides Jesus and my family, is the agricultural industry. I was raised on a small Brangus cattle farm where we also dabbled in wildlife management and raising quail. My love for agriculture inspired me to join the National FFA Organization in the seventh grade and, little did I know, it would soon become my identity. Throughout my six years in FFA, I held several leadership positions including chapter president and district president, won six district championships in public speaking, one state championship, and was recognized as finishing in the top sixteen in the nation as a prepared public speaking semi-finalist. I guess you could say my dad was a pretty great coach! Most recently, I ran for a Florida FFA state office. After making it through the candidate process, God began to reveal to me that my life outside of FFA is supposed to begin a little sooner than I had hoped as I lost my election. There has been a few moments in my life that God has tested my faith in great ways and losing that election was one. But on the other hand, I am now blessed to begin the journey to find out who Ashley McLeod really is and that's pretty dang exciting! 

"God is within her, she will not fall." -Psalm 46:5

Finally, I will leave you with one last fact about myself. Some of my closest friends even find this a bit odd, but I write letters quite frequently to my future husband. Not that I have any clue who he is but I know that God is preparing a pretty awesome man for me who I already completely adore beyond words! But enough about him, but I'll be sure to ooh and ahh over him some more later.

God bless!